How I Ruined My Relationship With My Body + How I’m Fixing It

Hey guys! I had the wonderful opportunity to meet Michelle over twitter and decided I would love for her to do a guest post on ISC today!

Michelle blogs over at Skinny Mitchy, which focuses on wellness, nutrition, fashion, beauty, and so much more. She’s here today to tell you a little her past eating disorder and how she’s choosing to fix it.

I struggled with an eating disorder for the past 2 years, although I am starting to find my balance, I’m not really there yet. It’s ironic because it all started when I decided to fix my eating and be more “healthy”. The past two years, I’ve struggled with anorexia, binge eating and bulimia. I felt shameful, guilty, depressed. I felt disgusted in my own body, but the worst part is feeling helpless.

When I first started recovery for my disordered eating, I had lost about 45 pounds weighed about 115 at 5″6. I was never underweight, but I was severely sick. I stopped getting my period, my blood pressure was severely low and in terms of nutrition, I was very malnourished. The recovery process had me gaining weight quick, I was putting on 2-3 pounds a week, and this sent my stress levels to the sky. I became so cruel to myself. I wouldn’t accept any compliments and refused to believe them, I would stand in front of the mirror and cry because I hated what was looking back at me. I gave up a big part of my social life because I was too ashamed to be seen in my new, healthier, 145 lbs body.

When I first lost the weight, I had many people congratulate me, they told me how proud they were and how they wish they had my motivation and dedication. They were all so amazed at how healthy I had become, but little did they know… that wasn’t the case. To this day, I still feel the pressure to stay thin because I’m terrified of what people will think or say. I’ll look like a failure, far from what they had thought I was.

.. But I’m so tired, I’m tired of constantly being unhappy, failing to recognize the blessings I have. I’m sick of comparing myself to every girl who I was past. I’m 18 years old, and I’m making a choice to release the stress and psychological abuse that I have inflicted on myself. I deserve more. I started applying 3 key things that helped me make peace with myself and I want to share them with everyone. These tips may not relate to you if you don’t suffer from disordered eating, but you may know someone who does.

1) “You’re not a mannequin”

I stopped focusing on the physical aspect of myself, as much as possible I stopped paying attention to the space between my thighs, the size of my stomach, I stopped feeling for the definition of my collarbones. I told myself that I wasn’t a mannequin, there is more to me than what is seen. I was so worried what people would think about my physical appearance, but instead I should let them judge me based on my inner traits, because those are the things that define me.

2) Don’t punish yourself with exercise

I stopped punishing myself with exercise, I decided to give myself a break. I didn’t want to exercise out of guilt, but instead do it because I want to take care of myself. I used to workout everyday.. even with a small caloric intake, I did it because I wanted to burn off anything I could possibly put on, which I realize now is really unhealthy. Today, I exercise 4 times a week max… I don’t tell myself I have to.. sometimes I’ll go a week without exercise. I do it to feel good and strong, not as a punishment or a chore.

3) Don’t cut out any food groups. Moderation is key

I stopped cutting out food groups. I eat everything from every group. This way, I don’t end up binging on something because of the deprivation I put myself through. I noticed that whenever I try to cut out carbs or fat, I end up going crazy and eating everything in sight, which then leads to feelings of guilt and depression. Eating a balanced diet, without cutting out any food group helped me fight binging. I have a little something from every food group at each meal, this way I’m feeding my body what it needs. It isn’t starving for something specific because I fed it properly.

Everyone’s path to healing may be different, but if you truly want to get better, you’ll find a way. All you have to do is open your mind. Your body knows where it needs to be, so listen to it. You’ll see that your best body, life and peace of mind will appear before you. 

– Michelle

You can follow Michelle here:

Questions from Audrey:

  • Have you ever struggled with an eating disorder?
  • What do you do to take care of your body?